The skills that enable a counselor or therapist to engage with another person effectively are innate human skills which can be practiced by any individual who is interested enough to find out what they are and practice getting good at them.

A friend asked me the other day, "Isn't it strange that we have to go to a counselor or therapist to talk about our troubles?" This innocent question, hardly thought about anymore when you have been a psychotherapist for as long as me, made me think. People used to talk to each other and perhaps they were effective, because people used to simply care about each other. What if professionalization, which is only a phenomenon of the last one to two hundred years, has taken that away from people?

This has inspired my desire to impart counseling skills to you in this short article. Of course a lot of this information is available elsewhere, but usually it's described in therapy jargon that the average person wouldn't understand.

So, here's my first attempt to rectify the imbalance, to give back what may have been taken away from you, the basic human ability to care and put it into action when another person needs your time and wants to talk to you.

What are these skills?

First, inner space. To engage with another person you must have some inner space available to receive them. This means that your own problems are not so pressing that you are constantly distracted or that you are not so worried about some impending disaster that you cannot concentrate. Create inner space inside yourself through regulating your life, be aware that everything you do may lead to consequences that consume your time and your attention. Try to plan and act in a way that leads to your desired result, rather than allow life to run you.

Second, sensitivity. You should be able to watch carefully and be aware of how the other person is and what they may need through their behavior and other signals. For example, if the person you are with is withdrawn don't scrape your chair when you sit down, lower your voice to convey a feeling of quiet safety and don't expect them to look you in the eyes. Try to be aware of how the person comes across and respond in a way that lessens the distance between you.

Third, listening. Listening is a skill with many levels of functioning. If you think about it, it's true. You can listen with your ears as everybody knows, but can you listen with your heart too. Listening with your heart to another person means feeling along with them and sharing in their emotional experience. Often just before some expression of feeling a compelling wave of unmistakable emotion will surge up within them and you can be sensitive to that when you listen with your heart.

These three skills: inner space, sensitivity and listening will be enough for you to really be with another person and help effectively. They are a very good foundation for actively caring for another. Just one more thing though. People want to talk and be heard. Don't be too quick to problem-solve or intervene in any way. You may feel the impulse to do something about it (particularly if you're a man!), but just don't. If you practice the skills I have been describing here patiently and consistently and you give the other person the experience of being thoroughly heard, chances are that they will figure it out for themselves and that's a wonderful experience for you, as a lay counselor - you allow the other person to find, from their own inner resources, the way through their troubles.

BLOG entry #153

This article by Richard Harvey was originally published at http://www.therapyandspirituality.com/articles/  and it is part of an ongoing retrospective series of blogs. ‘Counselling Skills That Enable You To Really Help: How To Be With Another Person Effectively’ was first published in 2012.