Fathers and Daughters: The Transformation at Puberty
by Richard Harvey on 08/19/16
Once
I said to my father, 'Why do you want me?' I still think that's the bravest
thing I've ever done. -- China Miéville, This Census-Taker
It
was during those years that I discovered that loving [my father] was like
sticking a blade into my own heart. It got me nowhere, except awake in the
middle of the night, recalling the years when my father was the strongest, the
smartest, the funniest, and I lay curled in my bed, wondering why I had been
cheated out of a father who loved me, and one I could love in return. -- Alison
Singh Gee, Where the Peacocks Sing: A Palace, a Prince, and the Search for Home
Fathers
of daughters face a great challenge when their little girl reaches puberty.
Around the age of twelve, thirteen or fourteen a terrific transformation is
taking place and it is crucial that fathers are adequately equipped to handle
the changes and transformation wisely and compassionately. If they don't then they
may regret it for the rest of their parental lives.
The
female is transforming from being a little girl to a young woman. Puberty
presents her with emotional, sexual, sensual, and mysterious forces growing and
conflicting and causing a tempest of confusion and disorientation inside her,
as she attempts hopelessly to grapple with the birth of her new self. She seeks
the father's help in this, she demands it, she desperately needs his support,
his orientating powers and reflection to know, understand, and reflect back to
her who and what she is, was, and will become.
There
may never have been a golden era when this transition was handled
appropriately, ideally, or even well. It may well be that it has always been
compromised. Today we have women who may have the vote, some vague sense of
parity with males at work (or not), a consciousness of gender issues and
self-value. However, until the rite of passage I am referring to here has been
understood and acted on, the place of women in the world today will always be
compromised, the true value of women will be unrecognized, and in spite of our
work with violence and prejudice these same evils and negativity will live on
in over half of the world population.
The
intelligent, informed father must understand that, through him, his daughter
seeks to be contained, within firm loving boundaries. She needs to test her
power -- against him, as this is (theoretically at least) the safest place to
do it. It is also the most relevant place to do it, as her unpredictable and
volatile behavior presages her entry into the interpersonal dynamics of
relational intimacy, sexuality, and attachment to a partner.
Father
must hold his own attachments to his daughter lightly. He must let her go; he
must release her of identification with the little girl and welcome and help to
create through his acceptance the young woman in her who she is about to become
Understanding
the tremendous rite of passage which is taking place, the father must be able
to put his own issues to one side. This is of course virtually impossible. In
fact it may only happen when the father has some familiarity with his inner
processes and internal world through some sustained period of inner work with a
skilful and effective practitioner. Without such a period of therapy and inner
work the father will behave essentially unconsciously without any awareness of
the compelling and unconscious life patterning that underpins his existence.
Even
when the father can put his personal material to one side he is faced with some
of the most challenging and potent relationship experiences of his life. The
young girl moving into young womanhood desperately seeks to feel acceptance and
experience clear boundaries, the recognition of her personal power, the
acknowledgement of her frustration and tremendous effort to become, in the long
line of individual and collective development, a woman.
Related material: see “Men and Women
in Therapy” in Richard Harvey, Human Awakening, 56-61, at http://www.sacredattentiontherapy.com/Books.html
BLOG entry #57