The problem with forgiveness is that we want too much too soon. Strictly speaking that's not forgiveness's problem, it's a human failing. You see forgiveness, when you engage with it as a process, rather than an event, has a lot to teach us about blame, anger and guilt.

Let's start with the inevitable offense. Someone or something is going to happen or has happened already (or both) to cause offense. That offended feeling depends very much on your sense of self-pride and possibly self-esteem. In any case some personal identity intercepts a wandering act that seeks forgiveness and clutches it to itself! "I have been wronged," is the sense, the feeling and, very likely, the verbal declaration.

"X had done this to me," "It's awful," or "How could she?" "What was he thinking of?" "How could he?" You are only too familiar with this in your own and others' lives, I am sure. If you could retreat for a minute from the drama, which is imbued with emotion, evocative of justice, saturated in how-can-we-combine-in judgment-and-retribution-to-put-the-world-right-again, you will see what everything is hinging on; yourself. Without this vulnerable, because offended, sense of yourself, your identity, who you are, no offense could take place.

From this sense of self-importance then, blame arises. Think for a second, blame cannot arise without a sense of self, because it is comparative. Blame is comparative because the blamed person stands in contrast to the one who is blaming. What sense of self-righteousness is it that allows us to feel blame toward someone and avoid the fact that we are not blameless?

Blame is the removal of something we don't like about ourselves onto somebody else. Particularly when they give us an excuse through their actions to do that! We are all surely blameworthy... about something. Everyone has something to be ashamed of, don't they?

What can we do rather than blame? Well, we could help, we could try to love and understand and empathize and be insightful and wise. We could share these positive qualities with the other person, rather than kick them when they're down. We could, through identifying with them as ourselves, see that their shaming and diminution does not in any way reflect positively back on us. We are each one of us part of the human race and ultimately the shame is shared. However we apportion it we have to carry our share of the burden of being human - the degradation and the glory.

Anger presents a similar avenue of fruitful exploration. Anger at the first level is defensive, because it tends to conceal genuine emotions. This is confusing, because everyone thinks of anger as an emotion. But emotions are not necessarily authentic and, more than any other, anger masks the genuine emotion and this is widespread in the emotional expression, or lack of it, in the modern world.

Frustration, irritation, annoyance - there are apparently endless permutations of anger. Some are so common we hardly even notice them, let alone feel the need to empathize with them or take them seriously enough to heal them. But they are insidiously powerful in their overall negative effect, eroding your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual well-being, leading to depression, chronic resentment, isolation and even self-harming and suicide.

No one knows when and how exactly, but at some point in human history, anger became a habit, a deeply ingrained habit, an acceptable mode of behavior and, like any bad habit, it can be broken; it can be transcended. You can beat it, through awareness. See how, what, when and why you are habitually angry. Stand back just a little from the action, from the drama and watch yourself keenly. When you discover exactly how the process of anger manifests in you, then you will be ready to take the next step. "I get angry rather than... ?" Fill in the dots and you will be ready to take responsibility for your choice. I hope you choose something new.

Guilt is a sticky one. Guilt is the assumption of responsibility, the impossible assumption for some supposed flaw, a fault in you that took on the culpability for some negative outcome in your world. What gives you the right to feel guilty? The supposed sense of self we considered right at the beginning of this article.

Did you ever read the poem by Thich Nhat Hanh, the wonderful poem where we or God or collective humanity (I'm not sure which) is appealing to you to call it by its real names. The poem evokes the lily pad and the butterfly, the tiny bird and the caterpillar. Then this awful scenario drops in, where a sea pirate rapes a young refugee girl who throws herself over the side of a boat and drowns. We are invited to identify with, to sympathize with and to somehow include not only the poor young girl, but the pirate too. There is no place for guilt in the sentiments of this poem, only inclusion, only acceptance, only love.

Forgiveness comes about in its own time. Please make a place for it in your inner garden. Prepare the ground, welcome it when it arrives and be ready for the great responsibility it brings. But please don't rush it and don't settle for a counterfeit version of it. The road to forgiveness is unrepeatable. It is unforgettable. It is totally necessary. You will be the richer for traveling on it and when you reach your destination, you will be loving, accepting and free.

BLOG entry #152

This article by Richard Harvey was originally published at http://www.therapyandspirituality.com/articles/  and it is part of an ongoing retrospective series of blogs. ‘Forgiveness—Blame, Anger and Guilt: The Patient Path to Acceptance, Love and Freedom’ was first published in 2012.